Saturday, April 18, 2015
I don't regret a thing, Poly Family. It took a while for me to become comfortable saying that but, it's true.
As some of you know, I was gone for a long time trying to rebuild myself after what 2014 did to my heart. Heartache, depression...even drastic thoughts. Through it all I learned a great deal about myself, my dear Elouise and polyamory in general.
Not everyone polys the same way (yes, I just turned poly into a verb.) My past potential mates and ex's all did things differently. Some were afraid to love, some loved too hard and still some wanted to be free of perceived chains.
I tend to fall in love rather easily. Well not SO easily that a woman could bat her eyes and suddenly I'm head over heels but, easily enough that when I feel a good vibe with someone, when we finish each other sentences or text almost the exact same thing at the exact same time, or when she checks my twitter feed and notices I'm not feeling well and drops everything to see if she can do anything, if she stays up late with me because I want to moan and complain about a something, when she actually doesn't give up on me no matter how obnoxious I'm being, it's easy for me to allow them into my heart.
I know none of them had intentions of hurting me. I didn't intend to harm them and if I did and you're reading this I'm deeply sorry but, in the end we all came out of this experience with a better self understanding.
Though I ended up broken and reclusive for a while afterward, I still have no regrets. The late night Skype and Facetime dates, the good morning texts and discussions of dreams, the week I spent in Baltimore, dates, hand holding, kisses...I regret none of it. Because to regret it means my love wasn't genuine. I still love them now and that's ok. I'm not pining for them, that would leave me unavailable to someone who wants what I offer, but I do remember the good times and smile. Smile wide.
So I take the lessons and move on, a little worse for wear but still strong and a bit wiser.
I want to thank them all. I learned more about myself from them in a few months than in all the years prior. Even though we all had heartache I still hold fond places in my heart for you all and of course....
-Live and Love Freely