Thursday, April 17, 2014

Why am I not dating right now?

If you have read my previous entries you're aware that my Soulmate, partner, best friend and wife, Elouise is involved with a young woman named Tiffany. Apparently she has finally made some headway with her (after like a year) and their relationship is moving forward. I'm happy for her but, I'm still without another significant other. It's by choice though. When the time is right I will seek out another partner but, as of now I have other work to do. So the question I get sometimes is "Why aren't you dating right now?"

The shortest answer is that I'm not ready. I still have some work on me to do and improving myself and our (Elouise's and mine) situation has to come first. At present we don't like our living arrangements. We would never think to invite someone to this place and we're in the process of moving to at least a bigger, better place. We are also without a vehicle which, in Hampton Roads, VA is akin to social suicide. The buses just aren't reliable and their frequency calls HRT's competency into question. Getting a car and moving is easy.
The long a bit more complicated than that. To be frank, I would love to meet someone for myself but, there are two major factors holding me back besides those above.

Summer of last year our then girlfriend, Candy left to go overseas, resulting in the dissolution of our relationship. I haven't quite gotten over her yet. She was everything we wanted in a third and we each gave her something different. Her personality was awesome, she was intelligent ( a big thing for me), she was a total geek which we loved and our love making was so...perfect. Now she's gone. Elouise has had more ex's than me so it was slightly easier for her to move on but, in truth this is my first real ex that didn't end in a swirl of name calling and threats. We both still love her but, I'm the one still holding on. I miss her like crazy. We didn't even take any pictures together because of my aversion to cameras which I'm over now as evidenced by my YouTube channel. It wouldn't be fair to anyone for me to be constantly comparing them to her, checking to see if they can fill her shoes. I want to appreciate this person as a unique individual with likes and dislikes and funny quirks that make them so irresistibly cute. Everyone in any relationship deserves that and I refuse to give less than my best. I want my heart to settle into acceptance of what was before I reach out to anyone else again.

There's also one less severe problem. With the exception of you guys, my poly family, there is almost no community here in Hampton Roads for poly folks. There is a Meetup group based out of Yorktown which we plan to join but to be active we need to be mobile at the very least. In fact I was thinking of starting up a HR based Poly/Free Lover Meetup group of my own once cash flow is better. Maybe then someone else with this problem, this anxiety about lack of community, won't have to suffer this way.

I do have some good news though. I was recently offered a new job with very good pay and benefits so the first two problems are now minor. However getting over heartbreak is going to take some time and finding a local community is going to require a bit of research. Of course once I do I am going to date something fierce to make up for so much lost time.
Live and Love Freely

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

"Bisexual men don't exist!" What? (and a coming out of sorts)

I'm at work (I feel like a lot of my stories start that way) and a co worker mentions a concert she wants to attend. She says she wants to go with either a straight man or gay man. Why she made such a clear distinction I would find out soon. I ask her "Why not split the difference and go with a bisexual guy?" This woman and another co-worker turned to and screamed, yes screamed, "There is no such thing as a bisexual man! He's gay!" I'm so taken aback by the ignorance, willful ignorance, that I stop in mid project to stare.
Later I ask her what the freaking Hell she meant and her response "Men who say they're bisexual are really gay. It's just a transition word for them." Holding back my indignation, I ask her if the same applies to women. "No women can be bi. Just not men." Others who overheard us mirror her sentiments with varying levels of venom in their voices. At this point I shut down and become very curt with my co workers for the rest of that night. I couldn't believe I was in the company of such short sighted, close minded individuals (and I use that term loosely).

It wasn't the fact that they said it that angered me but, that they actually believed it. Never mind the obvious fact that bisexual men and women both exist, but for them to speak about homosexuality as a character fault was abhorrent. Part of me wants to stay angry at them but, I know they're opinion doesn't affect anyone but them and it comes partly from lack of exposure to anyone outside of their small circle.
Since coming to the free lover's lifestyle I've been fortunate to be exposed to so many different types of sexualities. I never knew there could be orientations outside of the "Big Three." I've discovered pansexuality, asexuality and various flexibilities. I've even rediscovered my own.
Before I was a straight male, or at least I thought I was, but, it turns out being attracted to MtF transsexuals and very feminine men makes me something else. There are very few people who know this, my wife, brother, parents and certain friends but, I'm not ashamed of it anymore.

I am femsexual.


If you don't know what that is, it means I find the qualities of femininity attractive and arousing and masculine qualities not. Allow me some examples. You see that picture of the fine-looking, chocolate woman on the left? MtF transgendered woman. If I had the chance I'd take her out for dinner and a movie (and maybe something extra if you follow). The same goes for the rather muscular woman in the middle. In fact I'm more attracted to her than Natassia. Muscles don't equate to masculine. Not to me at least. The picture on the right is clearly a male but, his qualities are feminine. That I find attractive.
This one...not so much...

To you, my poly family this is a mere statement of fact but, for me, being African American, southern and married, it carries stigma. Being that the African American community is very crass and sometimes hostile on the subject of sexualities that aren't heterosexual, it's not easy for some of us who aren't happy inside the box to step out and make ourselves known. I'm not keeping it a secret anymore though. I won't deny being myself for one minute longer.
Now even with all I said to you about my femsexuality, my co workers would still "label" me as "gay" as if they're shaming me somehow. Let them. Besides the fact that gay doesn't describe me, I wish that African Americans could stop using the term gay like a weapon. First because you aren't hurting anyone with it but, mostly it makes us all sound homophobic, which is untrue.

Well times are changing and we must also change with them. Hopefully sometime in the future this apparently wide-spread idea that bisexual men don't exist (like this article and this article that takes it a step further saying that there are no heterosexual women) will fade away.  

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Ego boost and stuff.

I'm getting some shirts of this made. Think it'll help?
Me and Elouise are at the local Hooters I used to work at years ago. We have a couple of drinks and I catch up with some old co-workers. I spot a Hooters girl I was really tight with before I became a free lover. Instantly I remembered why I liked her so much. She was attractive, funny, friendly and we laughed a lot together. On a whim I say to my wife, "I should ask her out," knowing full well I was too timid in that respect to actually do it. Elouise, being who she is, puts me on full blast! She drags the girl over to me and says, "He has something to ask you." I actually managed to not choke on my tongue and ask her out to dinner. At first she accepted (YES!) and wondered why I hadn't asked her out before but, then she remembered her boyfriend (FUCK!) would not be cool with "sharing." She made it a point to give me her number and to ask me to keep in touch. I know some people are thinking cop-out or she let me down easy but this is someone I know very well. She's not the dishonest type. I've seen her turn down men cold, friends and strangers alike, so I know she was being genuine.

If nothing else the quick visit to an old haunt showed me something I don't always realize: women like me. Not every woman obviously but enough that I think dating is doable. Elouise pointed out to me all the women who were checking me out that night. More than I expected to be honest. A boost to my ego no doubt. I'm still kind of a big chicken when it comes to approaching women but, at least now I'll know it's possible.
I wish meeting someone in real life was a easy as online. I guess it's easy because I don't really feel the other person's energy next to me through a screen. When you try to spark a romance online you can take your time and form thoughts in your head before you hit the send key. That takes a lot of the stress off. Funny enough, meeting someone you have instant chemistry with, like me and Elouise, is even better than online. It's alive and evolving as you converse and make subtle body gestures conveying your interest.
That one instant, when this pretty little blonde girl I've liked for a long time let's me know that there was a shot if I had just not waited so long, made me realize that my procrastination may be costing me more than just time. I'm feeling quite confident now. Hopefully my next post will be about an actual date.
On my wife's side of things, her "girlfriend" Tiffany may be moving away soon. I'm only slightly upset about as I don't like how Elouise is being regulated to a side chick. It just feels like she doesn't really want to be with Elouise and I have to say, Tiffany is missing out. I've voiced my opinion to my dear wife and she's taken the advice, though she still sees her "girlfriend." I want her to find someone who cares about her the way Candy and I do, though I know I'm being unfair to Tiffany by demanding that. I just feel Elouise deserves it.
Well anyway, it seems things will be changing for us sooner rather than later. Maybe the rest of this year will go better. Spring has finally decided to show up and Spring is the season of new life. Let's see where it goes, shall we?

Live and Love Freely