Saturday, April 18, 2015

No regrets...

I don't regret a thing, Poly Family. It took a while for me to become comfortable saying that but, it's true.
As some of you know, I was gone for a long time trying to rebuild myself after what 2014 did to my heart. Heartache, depression...even drastic thoughts. Through it all I learned a great deal about myself, my dear Elouise and polyamory in general.
Not everyone polys the same way (yes, I just turned poly into a verb.) My past potential mates and ex's all did things differently. Some were afraid to love, some loved too hard and still some wanted to be free of perceived chains.
I tend to fall in love rather easily. Well not SO easily that a woman could bat her eyes and suddenly I'm head over heels but, easily enough that when I feel a good vibe with someone, when we finish each other sentences or text almost the exact same thing at the exact same time, or when she checks my twitter feed and notices I'm not feeling well and drops everything to see if she can do anything, if she stays up late with me because I want to moan and complain about a something, when she actually doesn't give up on me no matter how obnoxious I'm being, it's easy for me to allow them into my heart.
 I know none of them had intentions of hurting me. I didn't intend to harm them and if I did and you're reading this I'm deeply sorry but, in the end we all came out of this experience with a better self understanding.
Though I ended up broken and reclusive for a while afterward, I still have no regrets. The late night Skype and Facetime dates, the good morning texts and discussions of dreams, the week I spent in Baltimore, dates, hand holding, kisses...I regret none of it. Because to regret it means my love wasn't genuine. I still love them now and that's ok. I'm not pining for them, that would leave me unavailable to someone who wants what I offer, but I do remember the good times and smile. Smile wide.
So I take the lessons and move on, a little worse for wear but still strong and a bit wiser.
I want to thank them all. I learned more about myself from them in a few months than in all the years prior. Even though we all had heartache I still hold fond places in my heart for you all and of course.... regrets.

-Live and Love Freely

Thursday, February 12, 2015

Where have I been?

     So It's been a long time since I wrote anything here. For anyone who enjoyed reading my blogs I'm sorry for my absence. I've been rather...preoccupied.

     Well I can safely say I've learned more about myself in the last few months than ever before. I've had my heart broken more than once and I've been kinda turtling and recovering. I learned that polyamory isn't a choice for me, it's a part of who I am, that my heart isn't as impervious to pain as I thought, that I often give too much of myself and that I'm OK with all of that. Most importantly I learned how strong, truly strong, Elouise is. When I was at my lowest and couldn't even eat or sleep she revealed that “S” on her chest and picked up the many shards I had broken into.
Everyone needs a superhero. She's mine.
     It took a long time to process that as I didn't take my own advice and allow myself time to heal and from April to November went from relationship to relationship without taking time to heal (ironically numbers 2 and 3 in this video). I was a wreck, Poly Family. Depression had a hold on me and would not let go. Eventually, with Superwoman's help and love, I pulled myself out of that pit.
     I came out with scars but, that's OK. The experience was worth it. In the end I also came away with more insight about myself, the women in my life and polyamory in general. So to everyone who wished me well, thank you and I plan on uploading more videos and blogging here more often. I have a lot to share, Poly Family.

     By the way, what do you think of the new look?

Live and Love Freely

Thursday, May 29, 2014

Heartbreak and a realization.

 It occurred to me this morning around 5:00 a.m that while I haven't been heartbreak-proof in my affairs I haven't had it nearly as bad as most other people I know. I've heard some horror stories that might scare you into becoming a hermit out of fear.
There was a friend of mine who came home to find his girlfriend having sex with his best friend and brother at the same damn time. Needless to say, violence ensued. Another time a young lady I was kind of mentoring told me about her abusive boyfriend. We let her stay with us for a bit. Well one day I'm at work and get a call to come home immediately. I get there and Elouise, my wife, has the boyfriend in a wrist lock, on the ground with her knee on the back of his neck (yes I was proud of her that day) and he's begging for mercy. He apparently followed us and tried to attack them while I was gone not knowing I've taught my wife quite a bit of grappling. There's another friend of ours who was so in love with the person causing her so much pain. Eventually it erupted into violence (I'm noticing a theme here) and their separation. We weren't as involved this time being in another city but, we at least talked to her about it.
My own parents, though I love them dearly, have a relationship I could never live with. They barely talk to each other now. They don't sleep in the same bed, they don't watch TV together, they don't even go out I don't think. They still love each other, or say they do, but it's so...cold between them. The only thing they are happy about is my marriage and how well it's going.
That's just a few stories, I could tell you a lot more but, I'm not after shock and awe here. By comparison, my love life has been pretty mundane as far as drama but quite fulfilling in it's own right. No stories of cheaters or abuse. I have felt my share of heartbreak and pain but nothing life shattering like some others. Yeah, it can get very hard, very trying but, all in all I've had relatively good experiences.

You recall I shut down my Facebook profile a while back? That was probably the worst heartbreak I've ever felt but, I had Elouise to help me through it. There was, of course, when the woman we were dating had to leave the country. My heart ached but, I knew she still loved us and didn't want to leave us so I was able to handle it a bit better. Before that there was my high school heartbreak which later turned out to be a dodged bullet, her being a superchristian and me being a femsexual, polyamorous atheist. Would not have meshed well.
That's it. That's the worst that has ever happened to me. I know how fortunate I am to be able to say that. Love and relationships for me have been easy relatively, and I hope my good fortune holds. The way things have been going for me it won't be long until I finally meet that other special woman and welcome her into my life.

Live and Love Freely, Everyone.

Thursday, April 17, 2014

Why am I not dating right now?

If you have read my previous entries you're aware that my Soulmate, partner, best friend and wife, Elouise is involved with a young woman named Tiffany. Apparently she has finally made some headway with her (after like a year) and their relationship is moving forward. I'm happy for her but, I'm still without another significant other. It's by choice though. When the time is right I will seek out another partner but, as of now I have other work to do. So the question I get sometimes is "Why aren't you dating right now?"

The shortest answer is that I'm not ready. I still have some work on me to do and improving myself and our (Elouise's and mine) situation has to come first. At present we don't like our living arrangements. We would never think to invite someone to this place and we're in the process of moving to at least a bigger, better place. We are also without a vehicle which, in Hampton Roads, VA is akin to social suicide. The buses just aren't reliable and their frequency calls HRT's competency into question. Getting a car and moving is easy.
The long a bit more complicated than that. To be frank, I would love to meet someone for myself but, there are two major factors holding me back besides those above.

Summer of last year our then girlfriend, Candy left to go overseas, resulting in the dissolution of our relationship. I haven't quite gotten over her yet. She was everything we wanted in a third and we each gave her something different. Her personality was awesome, she was intelligent ( a big thing for me), she was a total geek which we loved and our love making was so...perfect. Now she's gone. Elouise has had more ex's than me so it was slightly easier for her to move on but, in truth this is my first real ex that didn't end in a swirl of name calling and threats. We both still love her but, I'm the one still holding on. I miss her like crazy. We didn't even take any pictures together because of my aversion to cameras which I'm over now as evidenced by my YouTube channel. It wouldn't be fair to anyone for me to be constantly comparing them to her, checking to see if they can fill her shoes. I want to appreciate this person as a unique individual with likes and dislikes and funny quirks that make them so irresistibly cute. Everyone in any relationship deserves that and I refuse to give less than my best. I want my heart to settle into acceptance of what was before I reach out to anyone else again.

There's also one less severe problem. With the exception of you guys, my poly family, there is almost no community here in Hampton Roads for poly folks. There is a Meetup group based out of Yorktown which we plan to join but to be active we need to be mobile at the very least. In fact I was thinking of starting up a HR based Poly/Free Lover Meetup group of my own once cash flow is better. Maybe then someone else with this problem, this anxiety about lack of community, won't have to suffer this way.

I do have some good news though. I was recently offered a new job with very good pay and benefits so the first two problems are now minor. However getting over heartbreak is going to take some time and finding a local community is going to require a bit of research. Of course once I do I am going to date something fierce to make up for so much lost time.
Live and Love Freely

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

"Bisexual men don't exist!" What? (and a coming out of sorts)

I'm at work (I feel like a lot of my stories start that way) and a co worker mentions a concert she wants to attend. She says she wants to go with either a straight man or gay man. Why she made such a clear distinction I would find out soon. I ask her "Why not split the difference and go with a bisexual guy?" This woman and another co-worker turned to and screamed, yes screamed, "There is no such thing as a bisexual man! He's gay!" I'm so taken aback by the ignorance, willful ignorance, that I stop in mid project to stare.
Later I ask her what the freaking Hell she meant and her response "Men who say they're bisexual are really gay. It's just a transition word for them." Holding back my indignation, I ask her if the same applies to women. "No women can be bi. Just not men." Others who overheard us mirror her sentiments with varying levels of venom in their voices. At this point I shut down and become very curt with my co workers for the rest of that night. I couldn't believe I was in the company of such short sighted, close minded individuals (and I use that term loosely).

It wasn't the fact that they said it that angered me but, that they actually believed it. Never mind the obvious fact that bisexual men and women both exist, but for them to speak about homosexuality as a character fault was abhorrent. Part of me wants to stay angry at them but, I know they're opinion doesn't affect anyone but them and it comes partly from lack of exposure to anyone outside of their small circle.
Since coming to the free lover's lifestyle I've been fortunate to be exposed to so many different types of sexualities. I never knew there could be orientations outside of the "Big Three." I've discovered pansexuality, asexuality and various flexibilities. I've even rediscovered my own.
Before I was a straight male, or at least I thought I was, but, it turns out being attracted to MtF transsexuals and very feminine men makes me something else. There are very few people who know this, my wife, brother, parents and certain friends but, I'm not ashamed of it anymore.

I am femsexual.


If you don't know what that is, it means I find the qualities of femininity attractive and arousing and masculine qualities not. Allow me some examples. You see that picture of the fine-looking, chocolate woman on the left? MtF transgendered woman. If I had the chance I'd take her out for dinner and a movie (and maybe something extra if you follow). The same goes for the rather muscular woman in the middle. In fact I'm more attracted to her than Natassia. Muscles don't equate to masculine. Not to me at least. The picture on the right is clearly a male but, his qualities are feminine. That I find attractive.
This one...not so much...

To you, my poly family this is a mere statement of fact but, for me, being African American, southern and married, it carries stigma. Being that the African American community is very crass and sometimes hostile on the subject of sexualities that aren't heterosexual, it's not easy for some of us who aren't happy inside the box to step out and make ourselves known. I'm not keeping it a secret anymore though. I won't deny being myself for one minute longer.
Now even with all I said to you about my femsexuality, my co workers would still "label" me as "gay" as if they're shaming me somehow. Let them. Besides the fact that gay doesn't describe me, I wish that African Americans could stop using the term gay like a weapon. First because you aren't hurting anyone with it but, mostly it makes us all sound homophobic, which is untrue.

Well times are changing and we must also change with them. Hopefully sometime in the future this apparently wide-spread idea that bisexual men don't exist (like this article and this article that takes it a step further saying that there are no heterosexual women) will fade away.  

Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Ego boost and stuff.

I'm getting some shirts of this made. Think it'll help?
Me and Elouise are at the local Hooters I used to work at years ago. We have a couple of drinks and I catch up with some old co-workers. I spot a Hooters girl I was really tight with before I became a free lover. Instantly I remembered why I liked her so much. She was attractive, funny, friendly and we laughed a lot together. On a whim I say to my wife, "I should ask her out," knowing full well I was too timid in that respect to actually do it. Elouise, being who she is, puts me on full blast! She drags the girl over to me and says, "He has something to ask you." I actually managed to not choke on my tongue and ask her out to dinner. At first she accepted (YES!) and wondered why I hadn't asked her out before but, then she remembered her boyfriend (FUCK!) would not be cool with "sharing." She made it a point to give me her number and to ask me to keep in touch. I know some people are thinking cop-out or she let me down easy but this is someone I know very well. She's not the dishonest type. I've seen her turn down men cold, friends and strangers alike, so I know she was being genuine.

If nothing else the quick visit to an old haunt showed me something I don't always realize: women like me. Not every woman obviously but enough that I think dating is doable. Elouise pointed out to me all the women who were checking me out that night. More than I expected to be honest. A boost to my ego no doubt. I'm still kind of a big chicken when it comes to approaching women but, at least now I'll know it's possible.
I wish meeting someone in real life was a easy as online. I guess it's easy because I don't really feel the other person's energy next to me through a screen. When you try to spark a romance online you can take your time and form thoughts in your head before you hit the send key. That takes a lot of the stress off. Funny enough, meeting someone you have instant chemistry with, like me and Elouise, is even better than online. It's alive and evolving as you converse and make subtle body gestures conveying your interest.
That one instant, when this pretty little blonde girl I've liked for a long time let's me know that there was a shot if I had just not waited so long, made me realize that my procrastination may be costing me more than just time. I'm feeling quite confident now. Hopefully my next post will be about an actual date.
On my wife's side of things, her "girlfriend" Tiffany may be moving away soon. I'm only slightly upset about as I don't like how Elouise is being regulated to a side chick. It just feels like she doesn't really want to be with Elouise and I have to say, Tiffany is missing out. I've voiced my opinion to my dear wife and she's taken the advice, though she still sees her "girlfriend." I want her to find someone who cares about her the way Candy and I do, though I know I'm being unfair to Tiffany by demanding that. I just feel Elouise deserves it.
Well anyway, it seems things will be changing for us sooner rather than later. Maybe the rest of this year will go better. Spring has finally decided to show up and Spring is the season of new life. Let's see where it goes, shall we?

Live and Love Freely

Thursday, March 20, 2014

Does skin color matter? pt 2 Confession

Originally I was going to write about what kind of woman I hope to meet or my pentient for romance but, I felt the need to elaborate on this video I posted yesterday on YouTube I'm not going to dwell on this topic and I wanted to go into something I missed in my video.

I made it a point to say that I would date a woman of any skin color and I meant that but, I'm not perfect. In fact, confession time. For years, before my own personal set of epiphanies happened, I could not stand to see a black woman with a white man. My parents, as awesome as they are, were brought up to believe that anyone white was our enemy and they projected that onto me and my siblings. Let me be clear I am NOT blaming my great and wonderful parents for my shortcoming before I conquered it, I'm listing all the factors that helped form it. For a while it stuck. It didn't help that I was listening to overly militant black leaders spouting how black women were trained to love white men over us and how black men were leaving their families to be with white women. Sounds harsh, right? Imagine having that drilled into your head for 16 years then being thrown into the world. Of course I questioned the logic in it, even as a kid, but Mom and Dad were always right before and it wasn't just them. All of my older relatives said the same thing. Combine that with being exposed to Rosewood, Malcolm X and all of the pro-black, anti-white movies of the 80's and 90's and that was a recipe for a very angry person.

I was taught that either of these was wrong.

Then came reality.

When I started making friends of all colors and of all genders I was thrown for a loop. They never cared about my race. The white people I had been taught to fear and hate loved my company. More importantly they didn't hate ANY black person. How could this be? They're my enemies...right? That's not to say I haven't experienced racism from caucasians (I do live in Virginia after all) but it wasn't as bad as I was lead to believe.

The thing is I felt the most hate about my very dark skin color from other black people, black girls especially. You can imagine my inner conflict when I was told "You're too black for me to date," by a girl even darker than me but in the same conversation told that I'm "...not black enough," because of my demeanor and mannerisms. Throughout my teenage years this cycle repeated endlessly. "You're too black" "You ain't black enough." Not to mention I started seeing those same girls getting picked up by white guys. This is where the complex started to develop.

Fast forward a few years and some important firsts happen to me. My first kiss, my very first date, my first time having sex and my first real feelings of affection from a girl. All white women. When I told cousin Rochelle she was happy for me but, other black women I knew called me a traitor. Some of them were the same ones who told me I wasn't "black enough" or "too black." How dare you fix your lips to call me a traitor when you never gave me a shot? I lie to you not this was an honest answer I received. "It's okay if we fuck wit white men but, you can't fuck wit white women. Errbody know that." That was the spark. After that I couldn't stand to see any black woman with a white man. The very sight of it made me furious.

Fast forward to three years ago, having been a Free Lover (aka poly person) for about a year. I notice a lot of what I thought was wrong. Having dated women of all colors except Asian (yet), I found that most times interracial relationships happen, not because of some racial agenda, but out of genuine love. I'm still wary of white men at this time though.
Then my Angel, Elouise says those magic words. "Sweety, you sound like a racist when you say things like that." I replayed some of the things I said in my head and she was right.

I was a racist.
I'm glad I realized this lesson in time.

From that day on I made it my mission to never be that young fool again. It took a long time and a lot of self-discipline but eventually I was free of that curse. As it happens two of my new friends are a mixed couple, a white male and black female, and they are two of the coolest people ever. My parents also gave up their racist views when I told them I was a poly person. They welcomed my lifestyle with open arms and all that came with it.

This was harder to type that I anticipated. I'm confessing this to you, Poly Family, because as long as we've been together you've always been straight with me and I felt you deserved the same courtesy. I'm always open to comments and questions here or on my YouTube channel.

And that's all. Live and love freely, everyone.