No regrets...

I don't regret a thing, Poly Family. It took a while for me to become comfortable saying that but, it's true.
As some of you know, I was gone for a long time trying to rebuild myself after what 2014 did to my heart. Heartache, depression...even drastic thoughts. Through it all I learned a great deal about myself, my dear Elouise and polyamory in general.
Not everyone polys the same way (yes, I just turned poly into a verb.) My past potential mates and ex's all did things differently. Some were afraid to love, some loved too hard and still some wanted to be free of perceived chains.
I tend to fall in love rather easily. Well not SO easily that a woman could bat her eyes and suddenly I'm head over heels but, easily enough that when I feel a good vibe with someone, when we finish each other sentences or text almost the exact same thing at the exact same time, or when she checks my twitter feed and notices I'm not feeling well and drops everything to see if she can do anything, if she stays up late with me because I want to moan and complain about a something, when she actually doesn't give up on me no matter how obnoxious I'm being, it's easy for me to allow them into my heart.
 I know none of them had intentions of hurting me. I didn't intend to harm them and if I did and you're reading this I'm deeply sorry but, in the end we all came out of this experience with a better self understanding.
Though I ended up broken and reclusive for a while afterward, I still have no regrets. The late night Skype and Facetime dates, the good morning texts and discussions of dreams, the week I spent in Baltimore, dates, hand holding, kisses...I regret none of it. Because to regret it means my love wasn't genuine. I still love them now and that's ok. I'm not pining for them, that would leave me unavailable to someone who wants what I offer, but I do remember the good times and smile. Smile wide.
So I take the lessons and move on, a little worse for wear but still strong and a bit wiser.
I want to thank them all. I learned more about myself from them in a few months than in all the years prior. Even though we all had heartache I still hold fond places in my heart for you all and of course....
...no regrets.

-Live and Love Freely

Where have I been?

     So It's been a long time since I wrote anything here. For anyone who enjoyed reading my blogs I'm sorry for my absence. I've been rather...preoccupied.

     Well I can safely say I've learned more about myself in the last few months than ever before. I've had my heart broken more than once and I've been kinda turtling and recovering. I learned that polyamory isn't a choice for me, it's a part of who I am, that my heart isn't as impervious to pain as I thought, that I often give too much of myself and that I'm OK with all of that. Most importantly I learned how strong, truly strong, Elouise is. When I was at my lowest and couldn't even eat or sleep she revealed that “S” on her chest and picked up the many shards I had broken into.

Everyone needs a superhero. She's mine.

     It took a long time to process that as I didn't take my own advice and allow myself time to heal and from April to November went from relationship to relationship without taking time to heal (ironically numbers 2 and 3 in this video). I was a wreck, Poly Family. Depression had a hold on me and would not let go. Eventually, with Superwoman's help and love, I pulled myself out of that pit.

     

     I came out with scars but, that's OK. The experience was worth it. In the end I also came away with more insight about myself, the women in my life and polyamory in general. So to everyone who wished me well, thank you and I plan on uploading more videos and blogging here more often. I have a lot to share, Poly Family.

     By the way, what do you think of the new look?

Live and Love Freely

Heartbreak and a realization.

 It occurred to me this morning around 5:00 a.m that while I haven't been heartbreak-proof in my affairs I haven't had it nearly as bad as most other people I know. I've heard some horror stories that might scare you into becoming a hermit out of fear.

There was a friend of mine who came home to find his girlfriend having sex with his best friend and brother at the same damn time. Needless to say, violence ensued. Another time a young lady I was kind of mentoring told me about her abusive boyfriend. We let her stay with us for a bit. Well one day I'm at work and get a call to come home immediately. I get there and Elouise, my wife, has the boyfriend in a wrist lock, on the ground with her knee on the back of his neck (yes I was proud of her that day) and he's begging for mercy. He apparently followed us and tried to attack them while I was gone not knowing I've taught my wife quite a bit of grappling. There's another friend of ours who was so in love with the person causing her so much pain. Eventually it erupted into violence (I'm noticing a theme here) and their separation. We weren't as involved this time being in another city but, we at least talked to her about it.

My own parents, though I love them dearly, have a relationship I could never live with. They barely talk to each other now. They don't sleep in the same bed, they don't watch TV together, they don't even go out I don't think. They still love each other, or say they do, but it's so...cold between them. The only thing they are happy about is my marriage and how well it's going.

That's just a few stories, I could tell you a lot more but, I'm not after shock and awe here. By comparison, my love life has been pretty mundane as far as drama but quite fulfilling in it's own right. No stories of cheaters or abuse. I have felt my share of heartbreak and pain but nothing life shattering like some others. Yeah, it can get very hard, very trying but, all in all I've had relatively good experiences.

You recall I shut down my Facebook profile a while back? That was probably the worst heartbreak I've ever felt but, I had Elouise to help me through it. There was, of course, when the woman we were dating had to leave the country. My heart ached but, I knew she still loved us and didn't want to leave us so I was able to handle it a bit better. Before that there was my high school heartbreak which later turned out to be a dodged bullet, her being a superchristian and me being a femsexual, polyamorous atheist. Would not have meshed well.

That's it. That's the worst that has ever happened to me. I know how fortunate I am to be able to say that. Love and relationships for me have been easy relatively, and I hope my good fortune holds. The way things have been going for me it won't be long until I finally meet that other special woman and welcome her into my life.

Live and Love Freely, Everyone.