Wednesday, April 9, 2014

"Bisexual men don't exist!" What? (and a coming out of sorts)

I'm at work (I feel like a lot of my stories start that way) and a co worker mentions a concert she wants to attend. She says she wants to go with either a straight man or gay man. Why she made such a clear distinction I would find out soon. I ask her "Why not split the difference and go with a bisexual guy?" This woman and another co-worker turned to and screamed, yes screamed, "There is no such thing as a bisexual man! He's gay!" I'm so taken aback by the ignorance, willful ignorance, that I stop in mid project to stare.
Later I ask her what the freaking Hell she meant and her response "Men who say they're bisexual are really gay. It's just a transition word for them." Holding back my indignation, I ask her if the same applies to women. "No women can be bi. Just not men." Others who overheard us mirror her sentiments with varying levels of venom in their voices. At this point I shut down and become very curt with my co workers for the rest of that night. I couldn't believe I was in the company of such short sighted, close minded individuals (and I use that term loosely).

It wasn't the fact that they said it that angered me but, that they actually believed it. Never mind the obvious fact that bisexual men and women both exist, but for them to speak about homosexuality as a character fault was abhorrent. Part of me wants to stay angry at them but, I know they're opinion doesn't affect anyone but them and it comes partly from lack of exposure to anyone outside of their small circle.
Since coming to the free lover's lifestyle I've been fortunate to be exposed to so many different types of sexualities. I never knew there could be orientations outside of the "Big Three." I've discovered pansexuality, asexuality and various flexibilities. I've even rediscovered my own.
Before I was a straight male, or at least I thought I was, but, it turns out being attracted to MtF transsexuals and very feminine men makes me something else. There are very few people who know this, my wife, brother, parents and certain friends but, I'm not ashamed of it anymore.

I am femsexual.


If you don't know what that is, it means I find the qualities of femininity attractive and arousing and masculine qualities not. Allow me some examples. You see that picture of the fine-looking, chocolate woman on the left? MtF transgendered woman. If I had the chance I'd take her out for dinner and a movie (and maybe something extra if you follow). The same goes for the rather muscular woman in the middle. In fact I'm more attracted to her than Natassia. Muscles don't equate to masculine. Not to me at least. The picture on the right is clearly a male but, his qualities are feminine. That I find attractive.
This one...not so much...

To you, my poly family this is a mere statement of fact but, for me, being African American, southern and married, it carries stigma. Being that the African American community is very crass and sometimes hostile on the subject of sexualities that aren't heterosexual, it's not easy for some of us who aren't happy inside the box to step out and make ourselves known. I'm not keeping it a secret anymore though. I won't deny being myself for one minute longer.
Now even with all I said to you about my femsexuality, my co workers would still "label" me as "gay" as if they're shaming me somehow. Let them. Besides the fact that gay doesn't describe me, I wish that African Americans could stop using the term gay like a weapon. First because you aren't hurting anyone with it but, mostly it makes us all sound homophobic, which is untrue.

Well times are changing and we must also change with them. Hopefully sometime in the future this apparently wide-spread idea that bisexual men don't exist (like this article and this article that takes it a step further saying that there are no heterosexual women) will fade away.  


  1. love this! Times are achanging my friend, albeit slowly :)

  2. Thanks for your honesty, bro. And if I were in that place working with you, I would have backed you up and said, well bitches there are two of us right here and we are definitely real, but find your willful ignorance and spite unattractive. endquote

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  4. hi. this blogpost called my attention because it evokes very important experiences for me. i am (non)white or off-white or not-quite-white woman, whatever that means, and i'm somewhat androginous and a definite practitioner of bi and poly love. i'm very well aware of the existence of bisexual men, and of African American bisexual men in particular. why? because i've been in love with one of them. and what i really loved was that part of him. a part he had denied for so long and was finally exploding when we were together. he was very well aware of the homophobia of the Afro Am community: the way the word "gay" is still used as an insult, a "weapon" as you say. and he swore he'd never go back into the box. our relationship and circles crossed the color lines, and i felt that was a way to stay out-of-the-box, so to speak. it was a great gift to me and I felt completely real. i felt as if the real me, the complete me, the entirely self-expressed me was given to me. i really became who i am in that experience. then at some point he decided to get back into the box. it was very sad for me. for i felt my color was not appropriate. i don't qualify as Afro since i'm European. even though who can tell the color of my ancestors. i'm from central Italy and people of all colors have mixed heir genes on that peninsula for about three millennia. i was left out of the box. my interpretation was that my color made me inappropriate for the box. it was very lonely out of the box. and i did miss him. i respected his decisions. went my own way. disappeared. i missed the person he was when out of the box. i could imagine that person inside the box inside of him. very well locked inside. awaiting to explode again out of him. then time went by and i met new people. i accepted his decisions. i even became in favor of them. i felt: now i’m free of the box myself. my experiments with crossing the color lines are continuing. and i feel freer to be in and out a number of boxes without feeling trapped in them. and i am really happy to find your voice here. i wish you the best in your journey. and i wish the best for the woman you're married to also. when men come into their bisexuality fully, they become better lovers in general and more capable of fully loving women. why? because now they can identify with a woman. their experience in practicing the arts of love is more complete. and they can feel the pleasure of the other as their own. that is a lesson from practices of love common in antiquity as well as in many indigenous cultures. i send you much love and all good wishes. stay in that liminal zone where boxes are just transparent illusions. namaste.

  5. .......Fem-sexual.........0-0 I would say I'm that because I find Feminine in men much more 0//////0 well but I'm bisexual too, manly men are good too but to think that theres Fem-sexual......*^* I learned something new